of Dirt and Beauty

I went for a walk this weekend in the same park I walked through on memorial day. I was struck by the beauty of the gardens. Remembering how barren they looked in May. How "cleared" to the dirt they were, they almost looked like scars on the landscape, holes in the beauty of the grass, the trees, the lake.
Today, they are pockets of beauty. It's so easy for me to just see the current situation, to see them for what they are not what the "Master Gardner" has in store for them. How often have I run from the cleansing, weeding, tilling of my heart and soul? All because I couldn't see the beauty of whats to come.

Where did this summer go. I remember as a kid, that getting out of school for summer break, summer lasted forever. 4th of July, why it took forever to get here. Labor day was just a scary story parents used to scare us about school starting up.
But now in my 48th year, I'm amazed that this summer went by so fast. Seems like about 4 hours ago it was Memorial day, and the 4th of July was about the time I started writing this post. But here it is Labor Day. the last great blast of summer.
Spent this summer doing a lot of soul searching, finding joy, finding my happiness and well being. Not that it wasn't without it's drama, but everything happens for a reason.

Things I've learned this summer;
It really will get better.
It's not going to hurt nearly as much as you feared.
Laughter with a best friend is contagious.
Share pain is lessened, Shared joy increased.
There are people, a whole lot of people, that love and accept me as I am today, while respecting this isn't the end. That I'm a work in progress.
As you finish one chapter in your life, there's another chapter just waiting for you to dive into it.
Looking back, I see a lot of growth in me.
Looking ahead, I see a lot of growth still to come.
It's a great feeling, knowing there's a place you're always accepted, loved, needed.
Acceptance doesn't mean blind devotion.
Even when the words seem harsh, a true friends speaking into your life is a precious gift.
There's always time, if we just make it...
to walk in a garden, or a park,
have a coffee together,
go for a bike ride.
THESE ARE THE MORTAR THAT HOLD THE REST OF OUR LIFE TOGETHER, that make lives worth living.

Exploration and Talking Horses

I had someone hit me between the eyes today with a comment. They said something about my exploring this new phase of my life. It struck me that I've been looking at things a bit skewed.

For the largest part of my adult life I "existed". Got tied up in the busyness of doing, and forgot to be. Forgot Life is supposed to be an adventure.

I forgot simple joys, laughters, I know I've a "servants heart" it's part of who I am, but now I realize I need to serve myself too. If I don't take responsibility FOR my life, joy, happiness then all other parts of my life become "clanging cymbals" resentments build, joy dies, love withers.

So after this friend said exploring it opened my eyes, I've been looking at this as an adventure and while that's good, it doesn't cover the whole picture.
Now, exploring, opens a whole new vista for me. So I'm off to explore, people, thoughts, ideas. Adventure seems to have a bit of a conquest flavor to me. I don't want to be conquering someone or something, I really want to explore fully my life. Discovering new joys, new happiness, new fulfillment.

I've heard it said that Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results is the definition of insanity. So I'm not looking for Adventure, not looking for kingdoms to conquer, princesses to win, successes to have. I'm going out on an exploration, If I find kingdoms I'll explore them, investigate. If I meet a princess, and she wants to join the exploration GREAT. Success will come with the exploration, not be the target of it. I may get hurt, may get some bumps, bruises. But who knows I may get to kiss a princess.

I'm reminded of a story I'd like to share
One day a peasant walking down the road did something that offended the King as he rode by. The King threw him into the dungeon.
When brought before the king, the peasant pleaded for his life saying "If the king gave him a year. He would teach the Kings horse to talk."
The king intrigued said okay you have your year.
The friend and the guards of the peasant told him he was crazy, he would be hanged for this.
The peasant replied, Who knows, who really knows, in the coming year, the King may die, I may die, and, that horse may just learn to talk.

So I'm off exploring looking for some talking horses.

A letter to Olivia

Olivia,
Seeing your posts on FB about being out of Jr Hi and on to High School made me realize how much you've grown. I wanted to let you know a couple of things.
First I love you very much, the time I got to spend with your family this last spring, I noticed and watched you quite a bit.
First I think a new word needs to be created Framily. As I watched how you and Brooks treat each other, you two are not just siblings but friends too. You are an amazing young lady, I'm so impressed by your dedication to yourself and achieving your goals.
You are in my totally unbiased opinion one of the most lovely young ladies I've ever met. I'm am so proud of you. The joy you seem to find even with everything going on in your life.
As you begin a new chapter in your life I want to encourage you with something. You are an amazing person, you deserve respect.
During this time DO NOT sell yourself short, any young men that want to date you had better treat you with the honor and respect you deserve. You Olivia deserve the best in school, in relationships, in life. Don't ever settle.
You are also one of the most gifted and intelligent young ladies I've ever met. Don't ever hide that, don't ever "play dumb" to attract a boy. The young men that are worthy of dating you, won't be put off by intelligence.
Don't ever stop seeing and embracing the fun in life. One of the things I love about hanging out with you is your silly side. Every time I watch the piercing video I chuckle hearing you ask if i'm wearing my big girl panties, you know the ones with the pink polka dots and the little bow.
You have a gift, the gift to make simple times special. I can't look at or think of a trampoline without remembering playing in your back yard with you and Brooks.
You have a tender heart, I was in awe watching you reach out to your friend during her trials at home. I know those are still ongoing but to see my niece show such love, compassion, tenderness touched my heart. I would only suggest, as you have a servant's heart a gift to see the needs of others and work to fulfill them. MAKE DOUBLE DAMN SURE that your needs, wants, desires are met as well. Learn to receive as well as give.

While in High School begin grabbing all the opportunities for adventure you can.
Dance like no one's watching
Laugh like you've never been hurt
Play like "play" is important
Sing loud and long, if you don't know the words make some up

I am so blessed to call you my niece, my friend, my pride and joy
Love you
Uncle Matt.

Power vs. Force

Yesterday, one of my niece's said something that really stuck in my head. She said when she first met me her thoughts were, There's a man with Power.
I have never heard anyone say that about me or anyone else really, especially as an out and out compliment which she was very clear in stating that's what it was.
When asked for clarification, she said power is not the same as force.
So I'm trying to unscrew this koan for myself. I've certainly not felt powerful over the last several months, years. In fact I've felt like life, and trying to please others all the time in everything I do or say has made me anything but powerful.
Powerful, not overbearing or running over everyone.
The journey I've been on with my therapist, and my time with Matt has been one of discovering or uncovering who I am. I know my sister Suz feels like I'm sometimes to easy-going, like I don't stand up for myself. She got upset that I didn't stand up and fight for myself, Suz feels like people "walk" on me because I let them.
My attitude is more to ask "is this hill worth dying on?". I don't sweat the little things, I know something happened during the wedding and my response was, oh well do the best with what I have. Now a month later, I can't recall exactly what the drama was. I remember the fun I had with family and new friends.
I guess part of what makes me who I am, is that I know I have a servants heart. For example if I'm at church and see the pastor before service walking around with a snow shovel, I will go take it from him and clear the walks myself. His focus before service should be on his message and being there for the people. I see things that need done and do them, or try to help people. I'm constantly asking people, men and women if they need help with a big package as they walk out of the store. Not doubting their ability to handle it, just trying to make life easier for those around me.
I'm at peace with that, it's part of my makeup. I feel very strongly that Shared Pain is lessened, shared Joy increased. So I try to spread Joy. Honestly though I do have problems sharing my own pain with others. In the past, I've felt like if I show weakness or pain, others will either run away or use it as a weapon against me in the future. I guess growing up showing any emotion but anger or contempt was treated as a sign of weakness. Even some of the saying I've picked up, Be tough your' a Hubbard. Cowboy up. Quit cryin get your big girl panties on and do what needs be done. While there is a time for this, IT IS NOT THE ONLY WAY TO HANDLE LIFE.
I've been giving myself permission to experience emotions, sorrow, pain, hurt.

So back to the power thing. Posted the question Power vs Force on FB. and one friend being a bit of a smart ass opened it up for me. Power is what the Empire has, Force is what you light your saber with. I like the analogy, but look at it as Power comes from within, force comes from the outside. A tree's power is in it's roots, the force of the wind has to work harder to uproot the tree, than the tree has to use it's power to stay put. A little breeze isn't even noticed by the tree. It takes a HUGE ASS wind to rip a tree up. Even then a tree bends with the force keeping rooted in it's power and can withstand the wind.
I am learning more where my power lies.
My power lies in my faith in a Loving God. Knowing that God is Good ALL THE TIME.

My power lies in my hearts, yes plural,
I've a servants heart see the explanation above.
I've a tender heart, I'm deeply in love with my daughter Abigayle, I've had people say, Abi has you wrapped around her finger, I always respond, that's right where I should be.
I've a poets heart. While I can't always get into words the feelings and thoughts I have within, I'm overwhelmed by the beauty that surrounds me. The tall old rugged tree standing defiant in a winter field. The first dandelion of summer. The song of the wind as it roars or whispers past me. The peace of watching the first snowfall of winter blanket the city, calming it down like a restless baby.

My power lies in my humor, the ability to find the funny and laughter of almost anything that's going on around me.

So further thoughts on this are forthcoming, I've only had a day to really tear into the meat of this idea.